Haiz….. i dun like my life… i dun like this blood i have…. Dunno what is wrong with my body, dunno what to do about it…..
Stucked and clueless…
Have decide to stop being accountable and share with her. Feels that she doubts whatever i share. I know what i have erred in the past due to condition, but now i have been in much control and know very well what i am doing.
Just feel that when i share with her the other day, she look at me so doubtful. I dunno how else to convince her to let her know that i am sharing is the truth and is not something i am saying cos of condition relapse.
Ever since that period last yaer, each time i share sometimes with them, i feel the doubt in their eyes and tone when they hear. I am just very tired. It hurts inside when i feel their doubt as i try to share with them. Have decided…to stop myself from feeling this pain, will stop sharing much and being accountable. Will share a minimum.
i have thus zipped from updating either of them further about his condition since they doubt what i share.
I am well and in control of my mind. But its hard for others to believe. I cant stop others from doubting me. But i can stop myself from feeling this hurt by not shareing with them, since they doubt me and often wonder if what i am saying is truth or halluncinate. I am tired of feeling and seeing this doubt in their eyes when i share wats happening in life. Maybe cos of this, i have start to withdraw from them, especially 1 of them…..
After the holiday was suppose to go see him for the monthly appointment, but due to other commitment for the last few weeks, am cash strap to go…. Like what aunt say, by the amt that am paying for the pills, i can go HK 12 times a year hahaha…Rem laughing really hard in the hotel room when my dear 3 aunts joke about this. Through the trip, have got very close to 3 of my aunts. i think the amount of words we spoke this month is altogether more than what we have said in the years haha.
But i say though, i think am coping and controlling myself much better. Though have been not in full load of med, i have been coping quite well…despite sometimes feeling sudden drop to low mood as i face the pressure due to anxiety over uncle.
Been so worried about dearest uncle. He so far far away….feel so helpless, can’t do anything but wait for phone call updates. His condition been so unstable, like rollarcoaster… making me seem like sitting on rollarcoaster with him. What amaze me is that, he actually “command” from his salon to be close during this period because he is not around…. Am glad though that business will resume as normal from Monday onwards, with his buddy keep an eye on business for him — at laest $$ will continue rolling in for him while he is fighting on to get well. Hope that this bypass that they are going to do for him, will let him fully recover.
It breaks my heart knowing how he is now. I still remember that first 5am morning when he rang and told me his condition and the dangerous operation he was going for. Hearing him cry on the phone in fear, breaks my heart. I tried so hard to hold back my tears. But once put down hp, i completely break down. Thankfully no one was at home during then. Hardest of it was having to really pull myself together really fast and travel to work. Mind was in total blank when travel to office, and tears are so hard to control. When reach office, a colleague asked why i look so pale and seem like going to collapse soon. It took me a while to get myself composed to do work. –Was so hard concentrating on work, with phone calls ringing so often from family. My heart jumped and i felt like i jumped out of chair each time the phone rang.
Am thankful for the support of my aunt during these past 2 weeks. she really stood by me and encourage me as i face all their other siblings and at the same time anxiously wait for NZ call daily.
I fight everyday…i fight to smile..even when it hurts….i fight to fit in…i fight to hide my illness, so know one will treat me differently…but i am sick of hiding…cause i know there is no cure for my disease.
It is not something i can choose to just snap out of it (like what everyone thought) and it is not a personal weakness or condition that can be willed or wished away…. I wish i can… But this is not possible…
Sometimes i just wish someone can just hug me and tell me it is all okay… Its just really painful going through daily life constantly fighting against htese rollar coaster…
Not sure why, the image i see a couple of months ago suddenly starting surfacing in my mind again….
The image of being hanging by the cliff with just only 1 hand and almost falling down…. and just below me, suddenly appear a pair of large friendly hands which is just right below my foot waiting to catch hold of me, should i fall…..
Simply couldnt get this image out of my mind…. It was a couple of months ago ever since the last time i remember seeing this image…. Why is this back in my head again….
While on the way home, this song tune kept hum in my mind…. i couldnt really remember the lyrics but i could hum the tune…. All i could hear hum in my mind was the lyrics verse “There is no problem too big…God cannot solve….”
After reaching home, i decide to browse around the website to look for the lyrics and the mp3… as i just yearn and wanna hear the whole complete song tune of what is it that is humming in my head…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=riVqgXw2xVQ
There is no problem too big
God cannot solve
There is no mountain too tall
He cannot move
There is not storm too dark
God cannot calm
There is no sorrow too deep
He cannot soothe
If He carried the weight of the world upon His shoulders
I know, my brother that He will carry you
If He carried the weight of the world upon His shoulders
I know, my sister that He will carry you
He said come on to me all who are weary
And I will give you rest
It was time again due to go hospital for review followup consultation + scan for Ovarian cyst and thyroid cyst. Had to ask for 1 day timeoff per week for next few weeks… i was quite concerned that boss may not like it…
To my surprise, got these encouraging reply…
“Your time is flexible”
“Have to believe in healing… keep praying and Believing… the secret…law of attraction. Must believe to atract the positive”
“You got everything going for u. And new home soon. All colleagues are nice… its all good. You just need to see yourself doing well everyday. Focus.”
Felt really loved and encouraged.
An email i receive from someone… with the title “God loves you”… Words in this email just hit bull eye right into my heart…. Just sets me thinking….
I was resting in God’s word tonight and for some reasons the two of you came into my mind. I would like to remind you that God loves you no matter who you are, what you have or have not done!
There must be times when you feel tired in God. The feeling of not wanting to pray, spend time in God, attend church or CG! C’mon, we all experience that. But do you think that God will not love you because last month on a certain day you didn’t feel like being close to God? Or do you think that God will not bless you because you didn’t feel like being ‘holy’? That is so wrong.
Think about it. God loves you so much he even send his beloved son, Jesus, to die on the cross for you. God sent Jesus to the cross even before you were born! Why? Because God knows some time today or any other day, you will need the love of God to fill you. God is not human, thus his ways are above ours. Even at times when you doubt God’s love for you, God still loves you. God does not love you because of what you have done. If God chooses to love people this way, why did Jesus heal the woman who suffered from a blood infirmity? Did she do anything to deserve that healing? No! What about the lepers? Did they do anything to ‘qualify’ the healing? No! They were healed simply because they saw the grace of Jesus! They were healed simply because they believed! Likewise, you can be healed of any heartache or failure in life simply because God loves you! How great is God!
I think God wants me to encourage the both of you for some reasons. I do not know why, but he wants me to share this simple revelation I have with the two of you.
I grew up always wishing and hoping for anyone’s approval. Growing up or living with low self esteem is a painful process. You are constantly searching for a positive word from someone, anyone, or worst everyone. Realistically, do you need that? No.
The day we receive Jesus is the day we are born anew. Born anew means we do not need the love of others to fill us anymore. We just need Jesus and our heavenly father! That is more than enough. When you receive the full love of our heavenly father, means, it is no longer about who you are. But it is about who he is. Because when you know someone loves us so much, you can rely fully on this person to be there for you at all times. He will work favours and blessings into your life just because he loves you. What a gift from God.
My beautiful sisters, be reminded that God’s love is more than sufficient. In school I used to sing, “Jehovah Jireh, my provider, his grace is sufficient for me, for me, for me!” I regret that i did not understand what it meant when I last sang it. But today, by God’s grace, I am glad I know what it means. When you love someone so much, you will want to provide for the person even when the person does not deserve it. Just like how your parents try their best to give you all they can only because you are their child. Sometimes, they give you so much, they even give what you do not need. Hence, sometimes, we find our parents a nag. But as God, he knows exactly what you need, therefore, trust that he will provide. When you start seeing how much God loves you, (remember he sent Jesus on the cross for you), you will naturally want to rely on him for anything you need.
Finally i applied my leave and it is approved. And it is 1 week long. Am so glad that it is approved, especially more since i declare that i will be overseas for that 1 week and it is approved haha
Been pondering where i shall go…. (1) Melb, (2) Perth, (3) HK
Where shall i go hahahhaa….. thought of these perk me up
While i laze to watch tv and surfing the website, i came across this sentence “Only good friend will dare to approach and correct u knowingly they will not be offended”… When i read this, someone came to mind. She’s one friend whom really shares good and bad times with me. When i thread on a wrong path, she will without reserved correct me. Though i must admit at times when she correct me, i was irriated at that particular moment. But at next second, i do appreciate deep down as i know she is doing it for my good. This is espcially so when i experience my relapse and felt like just throwing in the towel to give up. She will remind me and correct me.
Beloved uncle asked me for one such friend around me, that will stand by me, especially when i lost my sense of direction during relapse and may head the wrong way. At this moment, i guess she is the friend that beloved uncle describes about.
